The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize