Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
