shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
birth control should be required to get into college
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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