For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
