I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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