I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
