One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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