woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
