3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
