It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
