well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
