At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
