It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
