I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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