Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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