I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
