I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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