The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
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