I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
