If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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