I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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