Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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