I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
