Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
