I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize