Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
