I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
