Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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