my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
