You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
