I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
