note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
