I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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