he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
