the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
