Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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