and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
