'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
