that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I cut my penus on the lid.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
