Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
