so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
They have beer where we have blood.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
