my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
