So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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