She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
