Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
How does one acquire holy water?
Couch. On fire.
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