My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize