i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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