I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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