I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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