I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
