Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
