He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
