i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
