Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
