Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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