god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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