she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize