My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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