fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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