He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
