This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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