I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
