remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
